Alphabet Slop

You know that expression, ‘A.I. Slop,” referring to “Artificial Intelligence” making a wreck of your writing, or creating a mess all on its own, by using incorrect info or misunderstanding or misusing common expressions?

Well, the New York Times recently published a new online game, “Crossplay,” that is filled with what i call “Alphabet Slop.” It’s supposed to be a version of Scrabble, where you can play against the computer. (You can also play against real-life strangers, but i find that when you accept a “challenge” from one of these creatures, they take days or longer to respond, so i play only against the computer, whose responses are immediate.)

Anyway, here’s where the “Slop” comes in: Crossplay accepts crazy, seemingly random letters to form (often high-scoring) “words.” i have downloaded the Merriam-Webster Dictionary so i can check to see if i am insane, or illiterate, in believing some of these “words” are the product of some computer’s fevered cortex. A few of the “words” that were accepted in just the most recent game i played against Crossplay are:

Ka (this is actually in the dictionary, meaning the German (!) abbreviation for cathode ray)

Da (an abbreviation for the prefix “deka,” according to Merriam Webster)

ae (the Scottish word for “one”)

jota (not a word)

var (an abbreviation of “variant,” not a word)

kex (not a word)

orra (not a word)

za (this is supposedly slang for “pizza.” I have checked with three people under the age of 40, and none of them has ever heard of that “slang” word, much less used it …

… and my favorite, “mux” (not a word.)

It used to be that playing Scrabble could help improve your vocabulary: When your opponent played a word you didn’t know, you could just look it up and learn. With Crossplay, you watch in frustration as the automatic “scorekeeper” shows that “mux” has just earned the computer 81 points.

Soooo annoying! So why am i addicted to this goddamned game!?

Eastern Kingbird!

Can You See It?

Neither can i. But an Eastern Kingbird perched on the electric wire across the street yesterday for more than an hour, darting off now and then and swerving through the air like a swallow, to snatch an insect (one i saw him catch was almost as big as he was), and then returning to his spot on the wire to munch on it. As he flew and also as he turned this way and that on the wire, i could clearly make out the thin, white edge of his squared-off tail and the pure white throat, chest and belly.

And today he’s back — this time with the missus! I just now saw him up there, feeding her a big, juicy bug. (I mean, i guess it was juicy.)

So happy to see them up here above the bluff, rather than among the trees along the riverbank! Hope they find lots of bugs and decide to stay.

What a lousy photographer i am! but if you look real hard, near the top, you can see him.

The Garden: A Parable

The grandmother was about to turn 90 and her family planned to take her to a place she’d always talked about but had never visited: the Grand Canyon.

On her birthday they presented her with a card containing a mockup of a “plane ticket” and “hotel reservations” in Arizona, and excitedly told her they were going to take her to the Grand Canyon that fall.

“Thank you,” she said, “but I would much prefer to stay here, in my garden.”

“But Grandma,” they said, “If you don’t go now, then when? You’re not gonna live forever, you know; you’re running out of time!”

“No I’m not,” she said; “I’m running through time, just like all of you.”

“But be realistic!” they said. “You don’t have all that much time left!”

She replied, “Actually, I have all the time in the world. The only decision I have to make each moment is what to do with that moment. Time itself is eternal. It will exist long after God has written my character out of this series, and then you will all continue your journey through time as well. And I wish you well in your travels, but please, let me stay in my garden!”

(So they all went to the Grand Canyon without her.)

We’ve all got all the time in the world, if you think about it.

My Happiest Day

i know you’re supposed to say that your happiest day was your wedding day or when you gave birth to or adopted a child, but my happiest day came at age 70, and i just now realized that i had never written about it before, so here i go.

My daghter, Rachel, and her partner, the great jazz historian Ben Youmg, were visiting us that weekend and she had, to my delight, asked me to do the loop hike with her on Bear Mountain. i hadn’t been hiking in a long, long time. Ben would be presenting a jazz group that would be performing that afternoon at a venue called the Fullerton Mansion, just several blocks from our home, and my husband, Tim, would be helping him prepare for the show, so it would be just Rachel and me on the hike, as in Olden Times.

The Bear Mountain Loop is a very hard hike (when you’ve just turned 70 and haven’t exercised in a long while), but the New York-New Jersey Trail Conference had recently rebuilt it with hundreds of stone steps, and i was eager to see what it was like now, and it was a perfectly glorious fall day, and i was so happy to be hiking with Rachel that i was practically giddy.

As we started up the mountain, i soon became alarmed at how out of shape i was, but Rachel seemed to not mind having to wait for me many times as a stopped to catch my breath. These stops grew more and more frequent as we neared the top, and finally the hike stopped being fun for me i really worried that i might be having a heart attack. i started wondering if there was cellphone service up there, if Rachel had to call for an airlift for me. And then i thought, “Well, i’m 70; i’m having a great hike with my daughter on a beautiful day in one of the most beautiful places on earth. There couldn’t be a better time and place for me to die.”

But i guess G-d didn’t want me to go yet. Rachel was a complete angel, joining me in sitting on the trail and drinking water with me each time i stopped, never getting back up before i did, breaking out the snacks and just generally seeming like time was not an issue. i kept apologizing and she would always say, “No problem! Look at these views! It’s not a race! Take your time!”

The last time i had to stop, she said, “Mom, look at those girls over there!” (There was a gaggle of teens, some in flip-flops, sitting on rocks at a viewpoint, and drinking from their water bottles, and they did look pretty beat.) “They’ve stopped as much as we have, and they’re five times younger than you!” And that encouraged me to climb another 50 yards or so before — miracle! — we reached Seven Lakes Drive, a paved road that i knew from previous hikes there, was very near the top. Finally i felt my heart returning to normal, and i was able to laugh again, and the world was perfect.

Perkins Memorial Tower (the peak of Bear Mountain) was open that day (it isn’t always) and we climbed it too, reading the historical info beneath all the photos on the walls of its spiral staircase. Then we walked the grounds outside the tower, enjoying the views with dozens of other people, 90% of whom had DRIVEN there, because they aren’t AWESOME HIKERS, like me and Rache!

As we sat and ate our snacks and tried not to get stung by the bees up there (i’d also bought a Coke at the soda machine outside the tower), we saw something cool — other than the Hudson River and West Point and the Hudson ighlands and the skyline of New York City, i mean. A young man on a ledge a little lower than the one we were on, fell to one knee and proposed to his girlfriend, and she cried and nodded and a whole crowd — all of us — cheeered and hooted and clapped. What a great place to propose!

Back in Newburgh, i was looking forward to the “jazz concert” that Ben was sponsoring at the Fullerton Mansion. Instead, it turned out to be a SURPRISE 70th b-day party for me! Tim had organized (and paid for) the whole thing. My brothers and sister and their spouses (from Florida and Massachusetts) were there, as well as my friends, and there was a gorgeous cake with a bird-of-paradise painted in frosting atop it, and guess what? Ben (who called me “CoWo,” for “Councilwoman,” because i then was a Newbuergh City Council member) indeed had a group of jazz musicians playing for us the whole time!

But that wasn’t even the best part of my day. The best part was this: On our way down the mountain, which is way easier and far less steep than the ascent, i said, “Wow, Rache, that was scary for me back there, on our way up. Thanks for saving my life.” And she said, “Thanks for giving me mine.”

If anyone reading this could ever imagine a happier day, do let me know.

And this, Believe it or not, wasn’t even the best part!

it Seems Like the Orange County Board of Elections Does NOT want us to Vote

Here are two photos — the front and back — of the postcard i got from the Orange County, NY, Board of Elections a week or so ago. I kept mine on the fridge until today, when my husband Tim and i went to do Early Voting. One side, the one with “HELPFUL INFORMATION” printed in all caps in red on a yellow background, states in a blue box above the “helpful” one: YOUR POLLING PLACE IS SUNY ORANGE KAPLAN HALL, 73 1st STREET, NEWBURGH, NY 12550. The other side, as you can see, lists the dates and times, BUT NOT THE LOCATIONS, of the primaries and the general election.

NOTICE SOMETHING? Nowhere on that card does it say that our polling place is 401 Washington Street. Guess what? Our polling place was 401 Washington Street.

We GUESSED the correct address after arriving at 73 1st Street and being told by a security team that there was no voting there today. (401 Washington St. is where we sometimes vote if we’re not voting at the middle school on Monument Street.) Luckily, we guessed right, and trekked up to 401 Washington.

This isn’t the first time the Board of Elections has sent out misleading or just plain wrong information about polling places in Newburgh. One might think that they deliberately want to hold down turnout. What do you think?

'“helpful?” 73 1st street is not our early voting polling place.

unlike the incorrect info on the other side of the card the orange county, ny board of elections sent out, this side does not tell us where to vote. So that’s a blessing. but this side says to call them or go to their website to find out some apparently secret “further information,” but when you’ve already gone to the wrong site to vote, do you really want to deal with these people again?

The Spelling Bee

Last night i had the honor of being the “pronouncer and definer” for 3rd- and 4th-grade students in the Newburgh Enlarged City School District, and it reminded me of an incident that occurred when i was interviewing for my very first job — as a reporter for the then-great Times Herald-Record daily newspaper in Middletown, N.Y. — after getting my master’s degree in journalism.

The editor, reviewing my resume as i nervously sat across from him at his huge desk, said, “You say you’re a good speller. Is that true?”

I had no daily-paper experience, but indeed i was an excellent speller. So i replied with a big, hopeful smile and maybe a bit too much enthusiasm, “Yes! I’m a GREAT speller!”

He (Al Romm, may he rest in peace) narrowed his eyes, looked me up and down and slowly growled in the most cynical way you could ever imagine: “DIARRHEA!”

I was equally stupid, outraged and desperate. I thought “diarrhea” was this elderly white man’s polite way of saying “bulllshit!” So i spread my arms wide and exclaimed withh passion, “NO! I really AM a great speller!”

Another editor (Glen Doty, may he rest in peace) was in the room with us. He chuckled and said softly, “No, he meant, SPELL diarrhea.”

“Oh,” i said. “OH! D-I-A-R-R-H-E-A!”

How often a general-assignment reporter would need to write the word, “diarrhea,” was a mystery that has remained with me to this day. But he hired me on the spot, and that was the start of my very checkered career.

This cartoon, i think from the new yorker, has graced my office wall for, oh, some 20 years or so.

Hooray for the New Signs in the Heights!

We Heights residents are all very grateful for the new “No Parking Here to Corner” signs along Liberty Street in ourr neighorhood. These are definitely going to save money, time, grief and maybe lives. Thanks to Chad Wade and his team!

How many times have we had to inch past cars parked right at the corner of busy intersections — praying all the while? The city of newburgh is fixing that dangerous situation at last! many Thanks to our new leadership and our great DPW!

Bike on a Bank

There’s got to be a story here. Who would ditch a kid’s bike atop a snow bank? Yet this one has been lying in the snow on “The Bluff” in Newburgh for at least two or three weeks. i hope someome comes and gets it (and fixes it, if necessary), but even more than that, i hope i learn the story of how it got there.

There’s an abandoned bike on bayview … and also a story. Someone, please get the bike and write the story!

He Knew Why the Caged Bird Sings ...

…even before Maya Angelou knew. Paul Laurence Dunbar, a great Black American poet who died of tuberculosis at age 33 (thanks, Wikipedia!), wrote “Sympathy” in the late 1800s. In his brief lifetime he managed to write and publish four novels and several books of short stories, in addition to 12 books of poetry. Yet today he is relatively unknown in America. Here is his poem “Sympathy”: I’ve always felt that somebody should set it to music.

Sympathy

I know what the caged bird feels, alas!

    When the sun is bright on the upland slopes;   

When the wind stirs soft through the springing grass,   

And the river flows like a stream of glass;

    When the first bird sings and the first bud opes,   

And the faint perfume from its chalice steals—

I know what the caged bird feels! 

I know why the caged bird beats his wing

    Till its blood is red on the cruel bars;   

For he must fly back to his perch and cling   

When he fain would be on the bough a-swing;

    And a pain still throbs in the old, old scars   

And they pulse again with a keener sting—

I know why he beats his wing! 

I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,

    When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,—

When he beats his bars and he would be free;

It is not a carol of joy or glee,

    But a prayer that he sends from his heart’s deep core,   

But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings—

I know why the caged bird sings!

from The Complete Poems of Paul Laurence Dunbar. (New York: Dodd, Mead and Company, 2004

Paul Laurence dunbar: a great american.

Does Everybody Know This?

If perchance you do not know the wonderful Gerard Manley Hopkins poem “Inversnaid” (the name of a small rural village in Scotland, where he saw this brook that inspired him), check it out on Poets.org soon. Here is the last stanza of it: 

What would the world be, once bereft

Of wet and wilderness? Let them be left,

O let them be left, the wildness and wet:

Long live the weeds and the wilderness yet!

--by Gerard Manley Hopkins

Long live the weeds and the wilderness yet!

It's Almost "Alice's Restaurant" Time!

It isn’t the Thanksgiving season until you’ve heard Arlo Guthrie’s “Alice’s Restaurant. I was there when Arlo sang it at the Newport Folk Festival in the summer of 1967, and have never since hosted a Thanksgiving without playing this song for the whole gathering. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m57gzA2JCcM

Educational TV

Educational TV

 

Our TV is fixed!

Now once again I learn that medicine can lead me through

gauzy montages of every possible happiness, let me

run through fields of hay with my still-handsome and

playful though white-bearded husband,

who will push me on a swing while I lean back

and we both smile smiles wide as a swing seat.

Pencil in hand, so that I can write down the toll-free number,

I learn that pills can let me play chess with

an elementary-school lad of color who will gaze

at me adoringly, chin on fist, while reaching slyly toward

the timer to his right.

I’ll slap playfully at his hand, and we’ll both giggle.

 

I learn also that if after taking the recommended dosage,

I experience any of the most common side-effects:

Irritable Bowel Syndrome, difficulty breathing, headache,

double vision, frequent urination, trouble hearing,

dizziness, nausea, palpitations, loss of appetite,

or an erection that lasts more than four hours —

or other common side-effects,

including runny nose, sneezing and thoughts of suicide —

I should call my doctor or nine-one-one.

 

If on the other hand, for any reason I have a moment of

good health and am focusing simply on Buying Local,

I learn that several car dealers right here in Newburgh,

in colorfully checked suits and blonde helpers,

can get me a great deal on a certified pre-owned vehicle

but only until May, so I have to Act Now and Not Delay,

and that our local attorneys, if my car does indeed

lose its tie rods or brakes, will stand by me all the way

and never give up, because: They Don’t Win if I Don’t Win!

 

I’m writing it all down.

Really, when the TV is fixed, everything is fixed.

What an edication!

The Spin Cycle of Life

The Spin Cycle of Life

 Passing the laundromat, I slow to smell the fragrance

of fabric softener and dryer sheets that infuse the warm, moist air

from the vent pipe protruding from the brick wall. My husband finds it sad:

“That’s the smell of people too poor to own a dryer,” he says.

But it makes me happy: To me, it’s the scent of women

who care enough about their families to shlep overstuffed cloth bags

to the laundromat, either slung over their shoulders or balanced on

a stroller or kid’s wagon, and who later expertly fold the dry clothes,

each item into its own perfect rectangle. You can see them

chatting amiably in Spanish at the long, deep Formica counter

behind the big plate-glass window, recently replaced
after an incident outside involving two men and one woman.

 And it occurs to me while the machines rumble, that I have entered

the Spin Cycle of Life. No more for me the Soak, the Power Wash

or even the Rinse. My world now feels as if it’s in the throes of vertigo.

Round and round we go, staggering and nauseated, with wild ups and downs — more Tilt-a-Whirl than Merry-Go-Round — and I’m approaching that moment where the dizzying days I’ve had, understanding nothing but somehow

getting through them all, are about to jerk to a halt and things

(memory, skills, wit, friends, good health) will, by centrifugal force

or force of habit, continue to stay put for maybe

one moment more and then collapse all at once

and thump in a damp, bumpy clump and jumble of relief, regrets and —

with G-d’s grace — gratitude.

Perfect for Christmas or Chanukah: Poetry!

If you are among the few living souls who still have not purchased my poetry book (it's really a "chapbook" -- just 30 poems or so) for yourselves or your poetry-loving friends and neighbors, NOW is a great time to do so. Published by Finishing Line Press, it's called "Pretty Nearly All Natural."

You can get it by searching for either that title or my name at www.goldenhourbookstore.com

Golden Hour Books is a sweet, bricks-and-mortar shop at 181 Broadway right here in Newburgh. Say hi to the proprietor, my friend Angie Venezia! She's closed Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and open Thursdays from 11:30 am to 5 pm; Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays from 10 am to 5 pm; and Mondays from 12:30 to 5 pm. 

Of course, you can also get the book through Barnes and Noble or Amazon, but DON'T. (Shop Local, y'know?)

Happy, peaceful and creative holidays to all!

Get a great poetry book at a great bookstore — “Pretty Nearly All natural,” by me, Newburgh’s poet laureate!

Get All 4 at Golden Hour Bookstore!

My poetry chapbook, “Pretty Nearly All Natural,” and my three novels: “Louey Levy’s Greatest Catch,” “Louey Levy’s Perfect Pitch” and “Louey Levy’s Heading Home,” are all for sale at Golden Hour Bookstore, 181 Broadway in Newburgh. You can also get any of them straight from me at genieabrams@gmail.com. (Of course, you can also get them from Amazon or Barnes and Noble, but: DON’T.)

Is it too early to point out that they would make great holiday gifts for the readers and poetry-lovers in your life?

Nah, it’s not.

my poetry chapbook has joined my 3 novels in being published and on sale at Golden hour Bookstore in newburgh!

The Coolest Books are at Newburgh's Golden Hour

The Golden Hour Bookstore, 181 B’way in Newburgh, N.Y., is wonderful for many reasons, first among them being the proprietor, Angie Venezia, who has a knack for offering books for all interests and all ages in her little shop. She carries great poetry there, and I am honored to say that, if you can’t wait to buy it in person, you can order my own poetry chapbook, “Pretty Nearly All Natural,” anytime, through goldenhourbookstore.com.

Drop in and browse, or order online. Hope to see you there soon!

Golden hour bookstore, at 181 Broadway, is just what newburgh needed. support this bricks-and-mortar treasure!